


tonight we ride or die

by starschanlix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Developing Relationship, Dimples, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:48:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28980639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starschanlix/pseuds/starschanlix
Summary: "felix, you forgot about the part where you and bang chan get into a fight and we get distracted and the teacher is too tired to say anything so we all get to enjoy it a little bit more. that," hyunjin said, "makes this class way more entertaining than all the others."
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 39
Kudos: 92





	1. ride or die

**Author's Note:**

  * For [felixfrckls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixfrckls/gifts).



> (warning: chan kisses felix without asking him first in this chapter)

"you already know the song, jinjin. the teacher asks who's done the homework, no one says anything because no one gives a fuckity fuck about this class, because we all suck at speaking spanish. teacher gets mad. we all get scolded, we don't learn anything, and voilà." felix sighed. university wasn't the way he expected it to be at all. 

"felix, you forgot about the part where you and bang chan get into a fight and we all get distracted and the teacher is too tired to say anything so we all get to enjoy it a little bit more. that," hyunjin said, "makes this class way more entertaining than all the others." 

felix didn't want to get reminded of chan. he hated everything about him. and what made it worse was that... 

this motherfucker had to look extremely fine. as if his cocky behaviour and his stupid friend changbin and his stupid smirk plastered on his stupid face all day were not enough to annoy felix. 

so felix sighed, once again, as they entered the room 007.  
it was unusually quiet, so he decided to look around. just to check how many students were in the room. not to check if stupid bang chan was already here, sitting at the back of the classroom.  
unfortunately for him, he was. eyes on changbin's phone, laughing at something probably as dumb as him.  
felix was about to turn to his desk when chan looked over and saw him. 

"missed me, lee felix? had to check me out once again to make sure i was not a fictive character you had created in your head?" 

"i'd literally kill hyunjin if it could make you disappear." 

chan laughed at hyunjin's offended face. "the dedication," he said, right before winking at felix.  
the latter would've thrown up if their teacher hadn't entered the room at the same moment. 

"alright, ladies and gentlement. ready to correct the exercices? don't forget practice makes perfect. who's down to do it? you know i-" 

"lee felix, ma'am. who else? he certainly did the exercices and they're probably all correct. moving on!" 

felix knew it'd happen sooner or later. it had been 4 months since the beginning of the year and things had always been the same. despite only sharing one class together, there was not a day chan and felix didn't end up fighting.  
and if chan was not in the mood to be annoying (which happened... once every 975 years. approximatively), felix was. he loved to be annoying. loved to see how irritated chan could get. but hated being irritated. 

"lee felix? how about you give me your answers and we collectively check if everyone agrees?"  
"i don't... i... am not sure about half of... um. okay."  
felix could hear chan laughing. he continued. 

"los documentos son estructuras de la producción en la económia española..."  
he tried his best not to make any mistake. he spoke for five nong minutes.  
"that was great. most of it was correct. the documents illustrate the..."  
as the teacher started to speak, felix turned around ans looked at chan. 

"you motherfucker. you should understand that i will always have the correct answers," he whispered.  
"you cannot make me feel embarrassed by giving out my name every time she asks for someone to answer because oh, guess what, literally no one on earth is as stupid as you are. some of us actually study." 

"damn. felix is mad." chan brought his hand to his mouth and faked a worried face.  
"you did well, no need to get aggressive. i just wanted her to notice how great of a student you are!" and here came the stupid smirk. "besides... calling me stupid is a bit childish don't you think?" 

and felix lost it all. he didn't know what was going on that day. university was stressing him out. he was always scared of failure and could never afford another year. and he couldn't sleep at all that night because of chem and its different kind of atoms. and he hated chan with a passion. he wished he could make him disappear and actually never come back. 

"for fuck's sake. i'm begging you. keep my name out your mouth," felix started when chan interrupted him.  
"don't call me angel~ you ain't got me right..."  
felix missed the ariana grande reference and continued, "keep it out of your mouth and ignore me. as if i were not in the room. can we do that?" 

("ah. i was waiting for this moment." he then hears hyunjin say.) 

a minute went by before chan started to laugh. way too loud.  
"chicos," the teacher said,  
"please be quiet." none of them paid her attention. 

"oh right. i could do that, felix." he pronounced his name way too slowly, insisting on the x. felix wanted him dead.  
"but i just know you'd come back to me. actually, i think that you are the one always starting shit. kind of obsessed, huh?" 

felix was about to reply when hyunjin took his hand.  
"please ignore him. you guys are annoying everyone right now. spanish is already hard enough."  
felix gave up. last thing he saw was chan's smile when he turned around and hopelessly tried to focus on the teacher. 

chan.  
no wonder why the only subject he was failing was spanish. 

\--------------- 

felix was wrong when he thought at the end of the class, that he was now free and would not see chan until their next spanish class on friday.  
hyunjin and him both decided to skip lunch and go practice a choreography hyunjin was currently working on.  
felix was more than glad to help- he may not be as passionated as hyunjin, who aspired to make it his job, but he enjoyed dancing.  
while hyunjin was waiting for him in the dancing room, he went to the locker room to change his clothes.  
and he didn't expect to see ...chan there. 

"now what the fuck are you doing here?"  
chan looked at him and laughed as soon as he saw who was speaking.  
"i could ask you the same question. shouldn't you be eating?"  
felix was about to answer but didn't get to talk as chan went on. "whatever. don't care, didn't ask. since you're here you could help me pick some things up for my P.E teacher. he needs five balls and- what are you doing?" 

felix ignored him and opened up his locker. he certainly did not get in here to offer his help.  
what he didn't expect was chan to take his wrist and force him to turn around.  
"there are so many things that i hate,"  
"let fucking go of my hand-" felix hopelessly said,  
"and one of them is people ignoring me when i'm talking."  
felix looked at him and started to laugh, as chan looked genuinely upset, for once.  
it was not the first time felix acted as if chan wasn't talking, his reaction was a bit surprising.  
"and what am i supposed to do with this information? as far as i know, i do not wake up every day to please you, chan. now let go of me." 

and after that, things went fast.  
they could've both seen it coming. 

for whatever reason, chan decided he was allowed to aggressively kiss him. he pushed felix against the locker doors and shoved his tongue in his mouth. for whoever knows how long. and oh boy, did felix enjoy that.  
he eagerly started to touch chan's back, his torso, his neck, while letting chan's tongue play with his. 

he didn't have time to be confused. 

not when it felt so good to get some friction (was he hard already?) and when chan's moans sounded so satisfying to his ears. there was absolutely nothing romantic in this kiss, all they could feel was hunger. 

hunger when chan started to kiss felix's neck.  
hunger when he started to lick his nipples over his black t-shirt.  
hunger when felix's hand started to play with chan's underwear,  
when he put his dick in his mouth,  
when he heard chan trying not to be too loud as he moaned because damn felix was really annoying but he sure as hell knew how to put his mouth to work. 

what chan did not expect was felix to say some weird shit when he was thrusting into him. by weird, he meant... soft.  
felix's back was moving up and down against chan's stomach, hands on the wall, legs shaking as chan's thrusts were getting stronger and faster as time was passing by.  
"can we change... positions?" felix whispered.  
chan wanted to laugh as he was struggling to talk, out of breath.  
"sure thing."  
felix turned over and put his legs around chan's waist. he couldn't tell what was real or not.  
was he not only supposed to get his clothes to practice with hyunjin?  
"argh. oh. i think i'm about to..." felix went for another kiss. he was so close.  
"about to what, felix? say it."  
"chan..." felix locked his eyes to chan's. "oh my god. am i pretty? please say that i'm pretty."  
chan was feeling way too good to actually ask him what the fuck was going on.  
felix would later blame it on the euphoria of having sex for the first time in a while. 

"...huh?"  
"am i pretty?" felix repeated his question twice. he was pretty. all sweaty and trying his best to be quiet.  
chan started to kiss his neck, knowing he was about to come too.  
"you are pretty, felix. look at you," chan enjoyed the way felix moaned at this a bit too much, but didn't care, " you're the prettiest. feels so good."  
they were both out of breath and tired when they came. felix held on chan tight. whatever happened, it felt so damn good. 

the problem was that they were sweaty and had cum all over their stomachs, but felix only had one thing in mind. a thing he was used to doing after having sex. something that ...he could definitely not do with his enemy. 

and chan didn't care. he got up quickly, looked at felix with confusion and almost disgust in his eyes, then took some tissues in his bagpack to clean himself up. and himself only. he put his clothes on, picked some balls he was supposed to bring to his P.E teacher up 20 minutes ago, and went out of the room.  
felix was still out of breath and he felt stupid. almost guilty.  
what the fuck did he expect from chan? to clean him up? to ask him if he was doing alright? 

he didn't have time to think about all of that because he remembered hyunjin. what could he tell him?  
"oh sorry man. i was supposed to change clothes but i ended up sucking chan's dick in the locker rooms. yes. bang chan's." "oh sorry, mate. i was too busy having chan's enormous cock inside of me." 

he opted for another option.  
"i fell asleep at the dorm because i didn't feel well... im sorry jinjin<3 will help u next time i promise~". 

message sent.  
today was a weird day.


	2. nothing on me (but you)

the rest of the week went pretty well. exams were coming up and felix was doing his best to study as much as possible without letting school be too much of a burden on his mental health.  
the rest of the week went pretty well until friday would actually be a more accurate way to describe his week. 

hyunjin and felix were heading to their spanish class but had to wait next to the classroom as their teacher was late.  
his classmates were loud. hyunjin was too. he kept talking about a new tv show he thought was cool but felix was too tired to focus on what he was saying.  
everyone was loud. the girl next to them was too. chan and changbin were loud. they kept laughing and trying to debate on who had bigger arms because chan believed he "spent more time at the gym so he should have more muscles. why are your arms so big? look at 'em gunshots!" changbin was laughing.  
and felix was staring. once again. 

"...made me realise i may have discovered a french kink. please call me Sa Majesté if we ever have sex together one day. i think it means Your Highness," hyunjin said. huh?  
"excuse me. what. what are you talking about?"  
"felix... why were you not listening to me? you should definitely watch lupin. it's pretty good. and their accent is hot," hyunjin smiled. felix was used to him falling in love with literally anything everytime he was done with a show. 

"your friend was too busy staring at me. why am i not even surprised...". it was chan's voice. and felix did not want to deal with his cocky ass today.  
"literally no one is interested in you, chan.", felix said, trying his best not to get too angry. "besides, i'd really appreciate if you started minding your own business. my conversations are not yours."  
"very cool. oh, hyunjin, lupin sucks. brings nothing new to the table. and you can literally anticipate every single thing that happens in every episode."  
felix's eyes widened. was chan casually starting a conversation with his friend? was he aware he was the last person felix wanted to hear talking?  
"how dare you? it's not that bad-", hyunjin seemed as offended as when felix admitted he would sacrifice him to make chan disappear from earth.  
"not that bad but not that great either." 

that, felix had to agree with.  
what he forgot was that agreeing to what your enemy says was not something he wanted to happen, let alone out loud. yet he did.  
chan looked at him and smiled.  
"i don't remember asking for your opinion, felix."  
"i don't remember inviting you into our conversation, you bastard," was the last thing felix said before their teacher arrived, apologising for being late. 

\--------------------- 

chan soon realised he was most likely to fail all his classes if he kept acting as if university was just that part of your life where you get to develop skills in whatever you like to do- music in his case. if he kept writing lyrics instead of focusing in class, if he kept going to the gym instead of doing his homework, if he kept bothering felix instead of trying to understand what his spanish teacher was saying.  
but felix was an easy target. the boy knew how to respond to his endless provocation, but he still was a bit too vulnerable to actually make him regret acting that way. cute, he thought to himself. 

"bang chan," his teacher started, "you have to work harder on how to make proper sentences. learning a new language requires a lot of work and you have to practice diligently."  
"tsk. how surprising," he heard felix whisper.  
"i don't think it's right for you to comment on my situation when you're not that good of a spanish speaker either." for once, chan felt insulted.  
"huh. what classes am i most likely to fail?", felix turned around, "spanish. how about you? most of them. i think you should get your priorities straight."  
"guys, as much as i enjoy your daily fights, you gotta admit that this one is getting childish..." 

changbin was right. chan kept quiet and felix tried to focus on their teacher a bit more. he almost felt bad : studies was a sensitive topic for all of them right now. almost, though. it was chan we were talking about. 

\------------------------ 

around 4PM, felix was done with his classes. hyunjin had to go study with one of his friends, which allowed him to go back to the room he shared with him to rest a bit, and eventually try to study. 

"au revoir, mon ami. fais attention."  
"hyunjin. you have to stop throwing random french words just because you can. i didn't understand half of what you just said," felix laughed.  
"oh man! come on. this is basic french. it means take care. next thing i know i'll be able to watch lupin without subtitles. okay, gotta go! i'm already late. je t'aime!" 

felix started to walk when he heard someone call his name through the noisy corridor.  
bang chan. again.  
"oh god. what do you want? can you go a day without talking to me?" felix was irritated and chan was, as always, the last person he wanted to see, or interact with.  
"wow there. calm down, angry bird. i have something to ask you."  
felix was quiet, and chan took it as a sign to go on. "gotta admit that i'm a bit worried about my grades. i mean, i'm already hot as fuck. don't think the hottest AND smartest man was on God's menu when he created humanity."  
"i guess the dumbest and ugliest one was on it though," felix said. he knew he was being childish but he couldn't help it whenever he was in front of chan.  
"haha. very funny. anyways. i know you're pretty good at basically every subject so i was wondering if you could. ya know. help a bit."  
felix raised an eyebrow. was chan asking him, out of all the students, for help? 

"oh and. changbin isn't in our room right know." 

oh. that's what it meant. it should've been pretty obvious, and felix should've said no, because he hated chan and hated the fact that he could get whatever he wanted just by (subtly) asking. but then he remembered their moment in the locker room and how he felt and how good chan actually felt on his skin and,  
"okay. let's go now if you have some free time." 

and this is how felix ended up in chan's room, sitting on his lap as chan was kissing his mouth. he couldn't help but let his hands wander all over chan's body, couldn't help but love the way chan's hands were resting on his ass.  
chan started to lick his neck, moaning and trying his best to take felix's tee shirt off. after succeeding, he lifted felix up and started to walk towards his room. 

which was a problem to felix. 

"huh- chan...," he said in between two hungry kisses, "where are you going?"  
"well, in my room." chan was looking at him, curious.  
"can we, ah- can we please. do it somewhere else."

chan didn't care. he thought his reaction was weird but still turned back and decided to stay on the couch. 

both of them enjoyed whatever they were having at the moment. it had been a while since felix had his last sexual intercourse and chan sure knew what he was doing- every thrust was more powerful than the last one and his sweaty body felt incredible against felix's.  
and once again, just when chan thought they both were about to reach their climax, 

"please say that i'm pretty."  
felix was at it again. he couldn't even properly look into chan's eyes but still wanted once again to be called pretty.  
but chan didn't mind. if anything, he thought it was cute: felix totally looked like the kind of person who'd need to be complimented during sex.  
he kissed felix's neck twice before saying, despite being out of breath,  
"you're pretty. very pretty, felix."  
chan's voice was low, a bit shaking but incredibly sensual.  
felix smiled, and came right after, digging his nails into chan's skin. 

when they were done, chan stood up to get a box tissues. he cleaned himself up before cleaning felix up, carefully wiping his stomach clean.  
felix was still panting when he said,  
"oh wow. looks like today is a bit different than last time."  
chan looked at him, confused, so he added,  
"you didn't do that for me last time. zero out or ten. wouldn't recommend you."  
"oh, sorry? i didn't know you were not able to clean yourself up like the big boy that you are," chan ironically laughed.  
"of course i could. i just thought it was rude."  
"okay, okay, pillow princess. or clean up prince, you choose." 

when felix went back to his room later, he found hyunjin asleep. 

he tried his best to fall asleep too as soon as possible, not wanting to think about chan's hands, chan's body, chan's scent. about anything related to the boy he was supposed to hate the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you'll enjoy the 2nd chapter!
> 
> also i wanted to add that im only going to write light smut as smut isn't what i really want to focus on. i just need to describe some scenes because some things happen when they're doing it but yeah pls don't be disappointed :")  
> don't forget to leave comments <3  
> take care!


	3. reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw : short mention of abuse/violence but no heavy description!

the next monday, students were not as excited as they were the week before; their first exams were coming up really soon and, as always, most of them thought it was acceptable to start studying the day before.  
felix would've proudly said that he wasn't one of them if he were not so stressed out and if he didn't actually feel like he hadn't worked at all.  
the library was pretty quiet, which was what he definitely needed as he was trying to understand a quite difficult chapter, "Franco y la Monarquía... History is complicated enough, why did i think learning it in a different language was a good idea ?", and his head was already about to explode. any noise would actually make him go ins- 

"lee felix! exactly who i was looking for."  
oh hell no.  
chan sat right in front of him, obviously not noticing that felix was studying and ready to throw a tantrum as soon as he'd see the opportunity.  
"i think you can easily see that i'm busy. whatever you came here to say, or ask, i don't want to hear it."  
"pshhht! lixie is mad! abort mission. abort mission!", chan laughed, pretending he was in whatever stupid movie he had created in his head. 

he quickly stopped when he saw felix only staring at him, an obvious frown on his face.  
"oh. so you didn't give up huh? let me remind you that our spanish exam is tomorrow and it's going difficult for you to learn more than two chapters in a day," chan said, before adding, "there are many other things you could do to relax though..."  
"chan. get out. i can clearly understand that your goal isn't to pass the upcoming exams but it's not my case. i'm trying to study and if you came here thinking you'd get me to stop, let alone for YOU, you are very wrong."  
"the road to success is endless, felix. but what i know is that mine could clearly start with you."  
chan didn't make any sense, felix was tired, and he didn't want to have to deal with his tiring ass right now.  
chan winked at him, and- oh, was it what it was about? 

"okay. that's it. i think i know what you came to ask, chan, and my answer is no. i don't want this to become a routine for you and i don't want you to believe you can get anything from me whenever you want to. leave now as i'm still kindly asking it."

he didn't expect chan to look that surprised. almost... hurt.  
"that's... that's not... uh. you know what," he said, standing up, "forget it."  
\---------------------  
felix couldn't forget something that he never knew. why did chan come to him this time, if not to have sex? why did he look so disappointed when felix asked him to leave? 

why was he even that curious about it? 

when chan left, he tried (unsuccessfully) his hardest to focus on whatever was written in his book. what he needed was to relax. and, usually, he would've listened to music, he would've baked something, he would've taken a bath.  
but now, all he needed was chan's hot skin against his, once again, as difficult as it was to admit.  
and that was a problem; felix would rather die than ask chan to have sex with him.

once he was out of the library, he saw him sitting on a bench next to a classroom, with three other persons next to him. were they going to stop him from asking? most likely.  
but then he remembered how chan had recklessly asked him to come into his room when he badly wanted to fuck and that was enough of a reason for felix to think that he could do it too. 

after sending a quick text asking hyunjin if he was in their room, and receiving a quite funny (in the most hyunjin way) message ("nope. i'm at the mall, tryna forget university. i'm gonna die but at least bubble tea will be the last thing on my stomach"), he heard himself yell "chan!" a bit too loudly.  
loud enough for chan and his three friends to turn around and look at him.  
chan looked at him, eyebrows down in a frown, then whispered something to his friends before moving towards him. 

strangely enough, felix could feel his heartbeat in his head and felt like it was going to explode.

"hey. um, i know i was a bit, you know, aggressive earlier but um. i think we should... try to study a bit... together? by study i mean. you know," he sounded so stupid. why was he not one of those confident people who are able to actually talk without feeling like fools? and why did chan seem so pleased?  
"what do you mean, felix? we usually don't study together. correct me if i'm wrong, but we've never done that before."  
nice, now he was making fun of him.  
"yeah, but you seem to be a bit struggling so i thought a bit of help could be useful,"  
"i'm fine actually. thanks for the offer," chan said, smirking, before turning around. this motherfucker knew what felix was implying. was he really about to get back to his friends?  
"i can respect that. but, just so you know," felix knew that chan could still hear him, "i'll be in my room. all alone. don't know when hyunjin will be back, though... so if you change your mind, do it quickly."  
he didn't even try to see chan's face.  
he was satisfied. and he had all the reasons to be. 

because less than ten minutes after being back in his room, he could hear someone knock on his door.  
and that someone was chan.  
the room was quickly filled with the gross sounds of their sloppy kisses and their moans, chan taking felix's clothes off faster than ever. after a few minutes of him grinding on chan's bulge, felix didn't wait too long before dropping on his knees, ready to take chan into his mouth. and he felt good. he knew it wasn't a great idea, that whatever was going on between them was wrong, but it still ironically felt incredibly good.  
"that was smart of you, lee felix," chan whispered, voice low, trying not to moan too loudly, "wasn't expecting you to ask me something like that in the middle of the corridor."  
felix was too busy to reply, but chan could feel him smile against his cock.  
"my friends were surprised though, and asked me a lot of questions. you put me in a difficult situation," chan said, his hand in felix's hair. 

quickly after, chan lifted felix up and started to walk towards felix's room. 

his room. his bed.  
felix couldn't do it.  
"chan."  
the latter was kissing his neck, hungrier than ever.  
"chan. please. not in my room."  
"again? your couch is smaller than mine felix. we can't make it there."

"whatever. hurry up."  
"what's wrong with having sex in a room? isn't that what most people do? we could go back to the locker rooms but i'd definitely prefer a room," chan laughed while letting felix lay on his own bed. 

felix told himself he could do it in a room without necessarily having to... cuddle right after. because that was his problem. a bit deeper than that, to be honest, but still.  
he didn't reply and grabbed chan's leg instead. "want you inside of me now."  
yes, chan & felix were fighting almost every day. yes, felix couldn't bear his (painfully ttractive) smile and his cocky behaviour.  
but one sure thing was that their bond in bed was unmatched.  
they both would rather die than to admit it, but every second spent against the other's mouth, the other's neck, the other's entire body, felt like heaven.  
and this time, felix didn't even have to ask.

"you're terribly pretty like that, felix.", chan said while on top of him, his hand on both sides of felix's head.  
and felix thought he was dreaming.  
"am i?", he replied, opening his eyes and not being able to suppress the blossoming smile that was on his face.  
chan hummed and kissed him a bit slower than usual. 

\------------- 

once they both came and chan was done cleaning them up, felix knew what was going to happen. he couldn't help it when he pulled chan into a hug and forced him to stay in bed for ten minutes after.  
and it could've been risky. it could've been weird and uncomfortable to cuddle with your supposed enemy right after fucking. but chan didn't ask anything and let felix melt inside of his arms, his head resting on top of felix's. 

"aw. is felix usually sleepy after having sex in a bed?", chan said, teasing.  
"shut the fuck up."  
he chuckled, and felix was trying his best not to fall asleep.  
"is this why you didn't want us to do it in my bed? or in yours?"  
"mostly," felix replied. he didn't know if he wanted to tell chan. why would he? he didn't even trust him in the first place.  
yet he told him. because at that moment, he felt safe. 

"well. two years ago, i was dating this guy. things were doing pretty well, i thought i was in love- i probably was, when i think of it. everything was perfect except the fact that he was pretty violent when it came to us having sex." 

"...he didn't really make sure that i was enjoying him being violent while thrusting inside of me- not that i couldn't like it, but that's all he had to offer. wouldn't even let me do things i enjoy doing in bed. i'd end up with bruises all over my body, bruises that would only remind me that i was... that i felt like... a toy?"

he felt ashamed, not even able to look at chan.  
"but he'd always hug me right afterwards. he'd cuddle with me until i fell asleep and that was the only source of comfort i had. even to this day, no matter how well it goes, i have to cuddle with whoever has sex with me. makes me feel so warm." 

felix kissed chan's neck for no reason before burying his face in the curve of it.  
"i'm sorry you had to go through that, felix," chan quietly started, but felix didn't want to hear it.  
"no no no. it's fine. don't. i just thought you needed a little bit of context to understand better."  
"can i ask you something?"  
felix looked up and saw chan staring at him.  
"go ahead."  
"why do you have sex with people you're not intimate with, then? if cuddling with them afterwards embarrasses you." 

"because i still want to get dicked down, bitch!" 

chan's laugh was probably loud enough for the whole building to hear it.  
and felix, well, felix could listen to it every single day.


	4. amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very fluffy chapter!<3
> 
> soft!chanlix never fails to make me go crazy. enjoy~

on saturdays, most students would go back home, spending the week-end with their family. but this time, it was different : the end of the exam session only meant one thing to all of them. 

post-midterm exams party. 

this one was specifically important to a lot of them - way more students, way more alcohol, louder music - a great way for them to forget about failed classes and rushed predentations. it was more exciting than the one they'd usually attend at the end of the year because most of them would go home right after the exams, ready to travel and spend the summer far, far away from university.  
it'd usually be held in one of the richest students' houses. pretty cliché, you might say, but their school would never allow them to hold a party that'd scare any person older than thirty years-old off - and they still needed their teachers, at least until the end of the year. 

felix would've never accepted not going. it was the third time he would go to one of these huge ass parties and the two previous ones had been terrifying, in the most exciting way ever. and he could've died to see hyunjin pulling off the most dramatic outfit - a mix between cat woman's outfit and Amy Whinehouse's iconic makeup - although it usually made him look pretty basic next to him.  
but hyunjin got his back. 

"bébé, we're going to make you shine tonight," hyunjin said with a determined look, "i'm not going to let you get out of our room without looking like the sluttiest fuck-"  
"i get it. i promise you, i do. hurry up and please, do it quietly," felix felt slighty amused but really didn't want to deal with hyunjin's comments.  
hyunjin was annoying, yes. but he definitely knew how to dress. 

when they arrived at the party, pretty soon but not that much, it was around 10PM. felix could feel people staring at him, and he suddenly felt insecure. was the eyeliner too much? was his see-through top too much? how about his- 

"felix, stop. you look incredibly sexy. stop thinking and drink as much as you can. okay?"  
hyunjin was right. all he had to do was pretend he knew he was the sluttiest and sexiest fucker as hyunjin had called him earlier and he was set. 

one hour later, the night was going pretty well and felix was having fun. hyunjin was already drunk as a lord, flirting with every single moving human being he crossed paths with, hitting them with the lamest pick-up lines... but make it french. 

"hyunjin, leave this man alone, alright? he probably didn't come here to be-"  
"au revoir, mon amour. i'll see you in another life. i have so many cats you gotta meet!"  
but the man hyunjin was talking to -jisung was his name, apparently- wanted things to be different, and he took hyunjin's hand to lead him to the center of the usually-living-room-temporarily-dance-floor and started to dance with him, shamelessly grinding against him. hyunjin deserved to have some fun, felix thought as he turned around, smiling. 

and that's when he saw chan, accross the room, sipping on whatever drink was in his cup.  
and he was breathtakingly gorgeous. really attractive in his all black look, his black tee-shirt and jeans perfectly fitting the shape of his body. he wasn't wearing any makeup except a dark red lipstick and he looked really tired and felix was fucked up.  
so he stared at him. observed him. watched his lips move as he was talking to changbin and another pretty girl next to them, looked at the way his arms were contracting whenever he was telling a story a bit too animatedly. 

and, after five long minutes spent admiring what should be called a masterpiece, the said masterpiece noticed. chan noticed him and felix, not knowing what to do, waved his hand at him.  
really, felix? you just had to go and embarrass yourself the way you just did right now?  
chan smiled before getting up and starting to walk towards him. 

"lee felix!"  
"bang chan."  
the following seconds were spent looking at each other, chan wanting to say something but not being able to, and felix... way too focused on these red lips smiling at him. 

"how ya doing?" chan finally said, "you can't come to a party and just stand in a corner while staring at people. i mean, not that i don't understand... you have in front of you the sexiest motherfucker the whole city- no, the whole country, no-,"  
"the whole world?" felix replied, trying not to laugh.  
"yeah! the whole world- has ever seen."  
"haha. very funny. i spent the past hour taking care of hyunjin. he can be a disaster when he goes around while being drunk. but he obviously doesn't need me anymore since he... found himself a better activity, i guess," felix said as he looked around ans saw his friend and that jisung guy making out on the couch.  
"ah. hyunjin came with you? i see. that explains your makeup and your look as a whole." 

felix didn't know what he meant by that but he immediately felt terrible, a knot starting to tie itself in his stomach- his look was too much. oh. right when he was starting to feel as sexy as Beyoncé.  
the insecurity. the shame. he couldn't even look at chan now. 

"haha. right? this is so... him. i told him i wasn't really sure about it- it is a bit too much, i told him that people were going to look at me in a weird way. it suits him so well but looks so weird on me. actually i think i should, um... try to get it removed but i can't do it right now." 

"oh? huh. no no, felix what the fuck? i didn't mean to...," chan let out a sigh. "you look incredible. hyunjin did the right choice. it's just obvious that you let him take care of you, and i think we should thank the lord for that. 10/10, would definitely fuck you in this fit. you're so pretty."  
felix finally looked at chan, torn between too many emotions : he wanted to laugh and scream at the same time, because fuck he said i was pretty man why am i even happy about it, and also wanted to cry because yeah why am i even THAT happy about it? 

"thank you!" was all he awkwardly managed to let out. 

they casually talked like that for a while (and felix wanted to ask chan if he was alright as his dark circles were as dark as his lipstick but then decided that it was none of his business), and what didn't go unnoticed was that, as the music was extremely loud, they had to spend the whole conversation pretty close to each other.  
very close actually. their bodies were pressed against each other and they were practically screaming into each other's ears. 

and then none of them could tell what happened.  
what happened before felix leaned in to kiss him, not being able to resist to these very hot and very red lips parting so eagerly for him.  
what happened when chan's arms went around felix's waist to press him closer to him.  
they kissed for a while, hard and hot, before felix took chan's hand and lead him upstairs, praying that one of the ten bedrooms was available. 

luckily enough, one of them was.  
chan sat down on the bed, gesturing for felix to sit down on his lap. none of them wanted to break the kiss they were sharing, but felix finally did to start kissing chan's neck. and oh, chan smelled incredibly good.  
but that's when he heard chan say "hey, um. can we...". was he doing something wrong?  
felix looked up, a bit worried- chan's voice was small. too quiet. not alarming but far away from his usual cocky one, especially when they were about to fuck. 

"i honestly don't feel like doing it right now. sorry." 

"chan," felix replied, trying to hold his gaze,"you should've told me before. did i make you feel uncomfortable? i'm sorry. it's more than fine if you don't want to..."  
"you didn't at all. i was fine with just kissing you. actually, i wouldn't say no to a few more kisses," 

"please?" he added, chuckling at felix's surprised face.  
who was felix to say no to chan asking for kisses? lee felix, the president of the cuddles and soft kisses are amazing squad?  
even though he really wanted to know why chan looked so tired, why he seemed down, all he could do was put his hands on both sides of chan's face and lick his lips before kissing them. 

their kisses were not as hot as before. they were taking it slow, exploring the other's mouth, tongues licking every part they could reach. still letting small moans escape, the moment felt more intimate than every time they had had sex together.  
chan lay down on the bed and felix was now on top of him, his whole body pressed on his. 

the music was still loud but less than when they were in the living room, surrounded by drunk students. all they could hear was the sounds of their deep kisses and the moans they'd let out from time to time. and it just felt so right. 

chan's hands were on felix's thighs, and the latter's hands found their way to chan's hair.  
it was different. it wasn't... straight.  
felix could feel curls under his fingertips. CURLS?  
he suddenly broke the kiss and said, "bang. chan. what am i seeing right now? you have curls?"  
chan smiled before he said, "yup. didn't feel like straightening them today. don't know if it looks good though..."  
"you fucker. stop acting like you're oblivious.", felix jokingly slapped his arm. "if i see you with straight hair ever again after being able to witness curly chan, i think i'll ask you for a fight." 

chan didn't reply but gave felix's mouth a quick peck, smiling. felix just stared at him, before quietly saying, "the motherfucker in front of me has curls and dimples..."  
"is lee felix falling for the mysterious sexy precious amazing beautiful talented cute hot wonderful spectacular lovely wholesome gorgeous handsome ethereal surreal bang christopher chan?" 

felix rolled his eyes and calmly put his fingertips on chan's dimples, caressing them.  
chan was unbelievably pretty.  
and if chan never missed the opportunity to tell felix he was pretty when they were having sex, felix thought it was okay to tell chan right now.  
"you're very pretty, chan."  
chan thought felix was making fun of him but seeing felix's gaze proved him wrong.  
someone was seriously telling him that he was pretty.  
he laughed, embarrassed, before awkwardly saying,  
"thanks, little one." 

and- wait, was he blushing? THE bang chan was blushing because of felix's compliment?  
felix rolled over next to him and started to playfully sing, "are you blushing~? aw! look at these pinky cheeks~,"  
"i can understand why you like being called pretty now."  
chan was hiding behind his hand and oh he was just way too adorable. 

they stayed in bed for a long time, talked about anything they could talk about, even had a little fight, 

(they're chan and felix, after all. what did they expect?  
felix had tried to explain to chan that astrology was super cool and fun, and chan had made fun of him, asking him what kind of bullshit he was into. that was until felix told him that libras and virgos usually get along pretty well. for an unknown reason, chan had started to think that astrology wasn't that stupid after all, and he had even asked felix to introduce him to the subject. the smile on felix's face was worth it, after all.) 

but both of them definitely were enjoying their moment together.  
both of them realised that they probably had more in common than being horny. 

but they didn't know that this specific party would change everything for them. and that it was the beginning of a long, very long night...


	5. hello stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aah things are getting angsty?kinda??  
> not very satisfied with this chapter so pls dont forget to tell me how u liked it<3 :(

"can i get your number?" 

felix and chan were still kissing when chan decided to break their make-out session. they both looked like a mess, chan's lipstick everywhere on their faces.  
"calm down, mr. bang. we're not quite there yet."  
"why not," chan could feel felix smile under his lips. "i think it'd make many things easier."  
"give me an example."  
"um, don't know... you wouldn't have to pretend that we have to "study together" if you want me to fuck you."  
felix started to laugh. he knew chan was right and he really wanted to give him his number but it would've been a bit too easy.   
"good point. but you're still not getting it." 

when chan sighed, felix couldn't help but add,  
"chan, you look very tired tonight. like, kind of down?"  
"nice way of telling me that i look hideous, lee felix."  
"don't say stupid things," felix said before jokingly slapping his arm.   
but chan stayed completely quiet. so felix waited. he waited, head on chan's torso, and he could feel his heartbeat going faster. and right when he was about to ask chan if he was okay, the latter started to speak. 

"can i trust you, felix? just for tonight? we'll get drunk, eventually. i'll forget about oversharing to you..."  
"of course you can," felix tried his best not to sound offended, because fuck, he didn't have any reason to be, right?  
"you always can. i'm never that far away."  
"things are... not going well. between my mom and i. you probably don't know about it, but my mom is in korea. and i think she never truly accepted the fact that i wanted to study in Australia." 

"mom hates Australia for some reasons, probably because it reminds her of my dad- and, not to get too personal, but my dad basically ruined her life when i was younger. she tried to run away from him and decided to leave for korea when i was thirteen, but Australia has always been where i wanted to be." 

felix could feel chan shake beneath his fingertips. his hands originally were on chan's torso too but he started to caress chan's arm instead, hot under his fingertips, trying to help him relax. 

"so when i told her that i'd leave to study in Australia, two years ago, she didn't really handle it well. and things have been difficult ever since. i tried my best to call as much as i could, never knowing if she'd answer my calls. tried my best to send her presents, not knowing if she'd accept them. now she won't even let me speak to my siblings, and that is the hardest part. i feel like i've done something wrong when all i wanted was to study in my hometown..." 

chan was trying his best to control his breathing. felix didn't really know what to say, so he lifted himself up, and put his head above chan's. they were so close, and felix could see how hurt chan was. 

and so he kissed his mouth, before kissing his right cheek. 

then he kissed his mouth again, before kissing his left cheek. 

mouth, forehead.  
mouth, chin.  
mouth, nose. 

"you haven't done anything wrong, chan."  
"don't say anything, please. i really needed someone to  
listen to me."  
chan opened his arms, gesturing for felix to hug him. and he was, once again, blushing.  
"you know you're a very comforting person, right? it feels easier to talk to you than any other person." 

felix tried to ignore the way his heart was pounding inside of him.  
"i'm glad to know that. i'm always here if anything," he awkwardly laughed, feeling a bit uneasy knowing that he was growing fond of the man he was hugging.   
"would be easier if i had your number though!"  
"i won't give it to you, motherfucker."  
they were very close. and both of them loved it. felix loved being able to see chan's eyes and his dimples in the closest way he could.  
chan loved being able to see felix's freckles, as pretty as the stars.  
"love your freckles," he whispered.   
felix thought he was about to explode, and fuck it was way too hot now- but luckily enough, felix's phone started to ring. 

"damn, hyunjin. hello? yeah- where are you? everything alright? ugh," felix got up, placing his knees on both sides of chan's waist, "tell me where you are. i'm coming." 

"is hyunjin okay?"  
"yeah, just really drunk. he told me he wants to go home."  
right when felix was about to go, he felt like something was missing.  
"you'll be okay, right? give me your phone."  
chan looked at him, wondering what the boy had in mind, but still gave him his phone.  
"of course i'll be alright. i'm not ten." 

felix rolled his eyes and then started to type something on chan's phone. he then winked at him, opened the door and left.  
chan was still trying to proceed felix winking at him and everything that had happened in the last two hours.  
when he unlocked his phone, expecting to see felix's number on the screen, all he saw was a note in the note app with "if you thought i was going to give you my number that easily..." written on it.  
but right when he was about to lock his phone and go downstairs, he noticed a second note saying, "well, you were right. here it is." 

he couldn't help but smile. 

\-------------------------- 

but chan didn't send anything.   
and felix hated himself for being excited every single day that followed the intimate moment they had shared. 

when he woke up the next day, he told himself that it was okay- chan probably didn't want to bother him right after the party. but anyways, he could wait.  
when he woke up two days after, on monday, he told himself that chan would probably talk to him in class, and that was probably why he hadn't sent him a text yet...  
what he didn't expect though was chan completely ignoring him. not that he looked down anymore- he had his stupid little smile on his stupid little face, as always, and was playfully fighting with changbin.  
but he didn't say a word to felix, didn't even look at him.  
which was weird, and didn't go unnoticed. 

"felix."   
hyunjin's voice surprised him.   
"are you listening to me? you've been acting very strangely these days. first, you refuse to tell me what the fuck happened at the party when i clearly saw you go upstairs with chan, -THE bang chan-," hyunjin said, a bit too loud. he ignored felix gesturing him to be quiet, before adding, "and now, you've been staring at him for ten minutes straight with nostalgia in your eyes without even trying to attack him. something ain't adding up." 

felix wasn't in the mood to explain anything to his friend. that, and the fact that he felt extremely stupid for feeling sad about chan not sending him a text didn't help.  
"you don't have to tell me everything, lixie. but don't lie to me. i'm your best friend." 

"thanks for your concern, hyunjin. but i'm perfectly fine. i think you can guess what happened at the party," felix tried his best to hide the truth, "it was probably similar to what you did with jisung, haha."  
he felt bad for lying to hyunjin but at least hyunjin was now smiling like an idiot.  
"and yeah. i'm nostalgic. this motherfucker hasn't said a thing that could lead us to fight, and i kinda miss having someone to fight in spanish class. that's why i'm staring at him."  
god, felix was so bad at lying. and if hyunjin noticed anything, he didn't say a thing. 

\--------------------- 

it was only a week after the party, the next saturday, that chan finally decided to talk to him.  
not feeling like going home, felix was standing in the middle of the library, debating whether today should be a day off or if he should use his free time to work the subjects he didn't understand.   
there were only four students around him so the place was quite silent.... 

until chan. 

"felix!" he almost screamed while entering the huge place.  
"for fuck's sake, be quiet. you're embarrassing me."  
"yeah, yeah. how ya doing? haven't seen you in class yesterday." 

oh because you do remember i exist?  
"what do you want?" was all felix could say. he was trying his best not to appear irritated, because he didn't really have any reason to be.   
"wow. are you mad or something?" chan jokingly said.  
"nah. but as you can see i'm quite busy."  
"bullshit! you're literally standing in the middle of the library right now."  
"anyways. why don't you go home?" felix was getting irritated. he knew it.  
"kinda hard to go home when you practically live in the university dorm." 

ah, fuck. 

"i'm sorry. i completely forgot." he felt so dumb and was so mad at himself for letting his emotions take control of him.  
"nah, it's fine. anyways... wanna go to my room?" 

so chan had been ignoring him for a week after begging for his number. chan hadn't talked to him, not even once, after sharing to him what was making him feel burdened.  
and when he finally talked to him, it was... to fuck?  
felix mostly felt mad at himself for letting this happen. for allowing himself to feel more than whatever he was supposed to feel.  
there were so many things he wanted to tell the boy in front of him, but only said one sentence instead. 

"let's go to your room, then." 

because only sex could solve his problems.   
because maybe, if he kept this relationship based on sex only, then maybe, he'd be okay.


	6. you make me feel so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a longer chapter because i haven't been able to post for a week and i apologize<3  
> as always, thank u for reading!  
> let me know what u thought of it below<3  
> take care

this time was a bit different though. 

their moans were all they could hear in chan's room, unsaid thoughts and unwanted feelings keeping quiet. 

because for the first time, sex was not solving felix's problems.  
he didn't feel any better when chan's hands were touching every part of his naked body, and he was desperately running his hands through chan's hair.  
he kept thinking about what he truly wanted to have with chan, while chan was planting kisses on his neck and his chest.  
he kept wondering what was going on inside of his head, when he was kissing and sucking hard on the tip of chan's dick.  
he kept trying his best not to ask him about his behaviour, afraid to know and to be forced to admit that he was the only one concerned about what could happen next. 

and this time, as chan was biting his nipples softly whilst penetrating him, he didn't say a word. he didn't compliment felix, and felix didn't ask him to call him pretty, or any stupid word that could've made the butterflies inside of his belly fly high.   
because felix knew it would only make things harder than they already were for him. 

the truth was that he had feelings for chan. romantic feelings.  
he enjoyed spending time with him. he wanted to know way more than he already knew about the boy. he wished he could see these insanely cute dimples more often, and he knew how fucked up it was because chan only wanted one thing from him. 

i guess that's what you get when you play stupid games. 

(but chan wasn't stupid.  
he'd already noticed that something was up with felix before, and the current moment they were sharing together was only confirming what he thought.   
but he couldn't really say anything. not when he knew he probably was the one who made the situation complicated (why was it that different with felix than with his other sexual partners?) but also because why the fuck was felix acting like he had done something bad, as if he actually... cared about him?)

felix ended up coming in chan's hand, still trying to process chan biting on the lobe of his ear while whispering "fuck, felix".  
needless to say they didn't cuddle that night, and felix tried to ignore chan's eyes questioning him when he left right after showering.  
he really shouldn't have been used to chan's arms. 

\----------------------- 

felix was wrong when he thought busying himself would help him forget about chan. 

first of all, he really didn't understand why he was being so dramatic about the situation.  
it was not too late to stop whatever was going on between them, as he liked to call it (to be completely honest, he couldn't think of any other name that could describe it. or he didn't want to).  
second of all, he could easily avoid chan. he only shared one class with him, all he had to do was not pay attention to him and go on with his day. 

yeah, no.  
not when chan was so effortlessly gorgeous, making heads turn only by walking down the corridors.  
felix just couldn't stop secretly looking at him during class, and when they were not in the same room, he'd always get reminded of him ; whether it was when he was naked in front of his mirror, about to shower, staring at his neck covered by hickeys chan was guilty of, or when he was speaking to his mom on the phone, which would lead him to wonder if chan's problems with his mom were solved.  
and he'd fall asleep feeling incredibly stupid, knowing damn well chan wouldn't even waste one second thinking of him. 

chan was probably busy thinking about all the other persons he had sex with on a daily basis.  
felix wondered how many they were. chan could be having sex with literally anyone.   
and felix hated this idea -not because he was jealous of the thought of chan kissing anyone else's skin, no! not at all- but because it made him feel incredibly insecure and self-conscious.  
how many times did chan compare his body to someone else's?   
how many times did he think that felix wasn't good enough, that he was actually mediocre at sexual acts? and how many times did he fake h- 

"lix, are you crying?" hyunjin's voice snapped him back to reality.  
and fuck, he didn't realise but he actually was.  
"yeah. things aren't doing well," felix said, sitting on his bed. "just a bit tired. i can't really sleep well these days," he felt so bad. he couldn't keep lying to his best friend, but he felt so ashamed that even thinking about telling him about his feelings for chan made him cringe. 

"felix. what the fuck. stop lying to me and please be honest for once. what is it really about? who do i have to eat alive? i am not kidding-" hyunjin genuinely seemed angry this time, but thankfully someone knocked on the door of their dorm as soon as he opened his mouth.  
felix wasn't waiting for anyone, and immediately assumed it was for hyunjin. the latter stood up, then left felix's room to go open the door and, two minutes later, felix heard him say, 

"um.. yeah, let me call him. felix! this one's for you baby." 

intrigued, felix walked in the small living room and saw the last person he wanted to see... or the last one he was expecting to see. 

bang chan. 

he tried his best to forget he was supposed to be mad at him. because what was he even mad about anyways?  
feeling unusually shy, he only managed to whisper "um, hi?", not even able to look at him. his heartbeat was being so loud he was sure anyone in the room could actually hear it.  
hyunjin sent him weird signals with his eyebrows, but felix was too tired to try to understand him. he'd have some explaining to do later, but hyunjin wasn't dumb, and he quickly connected the dots, figuring out felix crying had something to do with chan.  
"hey, felix. am i bothering you right now? or do you have some free time?" 

and felix tried. he tried to say no. tried to tell him to go back to his room, that it was late, but chan looked exhausted. the dark circles under his eyes had never been darker and he had curly hair- which would've killed felix on the spot if he were not worried.   
he tried to ignore the fact that chan had come up to him, that it probably meant something, that maybe, he cared about him a bit more than he thought...  
"yeah, yeah. sure. wanna go for a walk?" 

\------------------------ 

march isn't one of the warmest months and it was a bit too cold for them to be walking outside. but felix believed chan needed it, hence why he didn't say anything when chan asked him if they could sit on the bench next to the entrance.  
the bench wasn't facing the huge building that was their university, but it was in front of multiple fields : one for basketball, one for tennis, one for soccer. 

they didn't really talk until they reached the bench.  
chan was wearing a grey hoodie with gray pants and damn he was incredibly hot. felix hated himself but he couldn't stop thinking about how soft his hair probably was, and how warm chan would be if they could hug. 

"felix, are you cold? you're shivering."  
"that's not important," felix replied. and he couldn't stop staring at the moon, fully aware that chan's eyes were focused on him.  
"do you want us to go back inside?"  
"no."  
"do you want my hoodie?" chan seemed concerned.   
felix thought he was about to go crazy.  
"uh, shut-, no. what. no, thanks! i'm fine. are you okay?"  
shut the fuck up, oh my god- 

"i should be the one asking you though. were you crying earlier?"  
ah. how embarrassing.  
felix had forgotten that his eyes were still red and a bit puffy. but he'd rather die than tell chan the truth. so he kept quiet.  
"come here," chan said as he opened his arms, "you wouldn't want to get sick, would you? besides, i think we both need a hug right now." 

yeah, go ahead. go, everyone knows how weak you are, felix. let yourself fall for him a bit deeper.  
felix wished he could stop the little voice inside his head reminding him about everything he was doing wrong. because sometimes, what seems wrong is what you truly need. and he knew that he'd feel good for a short amount of time, before the realization hits him again when he's alone in his room, but at the moment, all he needed was to hug chan. 

so he did. he slowly, shyly got closer to chan- and damn, he hadn't realised how distant they were before- and let his head fall on chan's shoulder.  
chan's arms felt so damn amazing.  
he smelled so good- l'Interdit de Givenchy, felix recognized- and felix felt warm. he snuggled against chan's neck and sighed : if chan didn't want to talk first, felix had to, or else his thoughts would've killed him. 

"so, did you need someone to talk to?"  
"yeah, actually. i still do. and i thought that maybe you'd be okay with listening to me."  
"of course. but, why didn't you send me a message? did you forget that you actually have my number? it's kind of rude to ask for something and not use it after, you know," felix playfully said. he didn't want chan to feel like he was angry at him because right now, he knew all he needed was comfort. 

chan laughed.   
"wow there. calm down, little one. i barely use my phone these days," he said, before putting his head on top of felix's head. "besides, i thought that it'd be funny to make you wait a little bit. i knew you'd get all worked up."  
"you bastard. i absolutely did not."  
felix couldn't stop smiling. 

why were things easier when he was with chan? 

"rise your hand if you believe him! see? no one did," chan said as he hugged felix tighter. which gave felix a bit more confidence and, before he knew it, he found himself asking,   
"is that why you've been ignoring me lately? after the party, i mean. you didn't say a word to me and, yeah. it wasn't... cool. not that you had to, obviously! i just thought it was... um, weird."  
chan didn't say a word. actually, he was quite surprised- why someone cared that much about him texting them or talking to them was a mystery. he wasn't used to it and well, it made him feel so many things.  
when he remembered the boy he was holding in his arms was waiting for a response, he finally opened up. 

"i'm sorry. i genuinely am. i just... um. things are getting harder, these days, yeah. i didn't really feel like talking to you, or anyone, and i barely used my phone.  
i usually use it for twitter but mostly to talk to my mom," chan started. he sighed, and felix noticed he was shaking. it was a cold night, but chan wasn't shivering because of the cold. he was stressed. 

felix hesitated, but still took chan's hand into his. he softly played with his fingers, hoping that it'd help him to talk, and feel more comfortable. 

"and she hasn't replied to me for days. last time i talked to her was before the party. i know we don't get along and she still hates me because i left, but she's never ignored me for that long, you know? got me worried. i can never be at peace knowing that i can't talk to my mom nor to my siblings.  
i called her so many times, but i hate the fact that she doesn't even give me a chance to explain myself," chan's voice was now shaking. felix's heart was in pieces. 

he didn't know what it was like to be far away from his parents. his home was near school and he never really felt like he had left his house.  
but he could feel how heartbreaking it was to be in another country and feel like you're slowly losing the only family you have. 

"and tonight was a bit too much to handle. i kept thinking about a lot of things and changbin was already asleep, and i thought of you. it really helped, last time, when i talked about this and you listened. i still think you're a really comforting person, felix." 

felix felt like screaming and crying at the same time.  
he lifted his head up, trying to catch chan's gaze in the dark. they were pretty close to each other, so it didn't take him long.  
when chan looked at him, felix put both of his hands around his cheeks, cupping his face. 

"you shouldn't apologize, chan. i'm so sorry about what you're going through right now," felix's voice was shaking too. "but know that you're not alone. you have so many people around you willing to listen to you, and i'm one of them. i'm glad you came to me." 

if chan interrupted him the first time, stating that he didn't really want any advice but only someone to talk to, this time was different. he was fully immersed in what felix was saying. 

"have you ever tried to explain to your mom why studying in australia is important to you? like, full explanation. just you pouring your feelings out. has she ever really listened to you?"  
"no," chan pouted. "i've never really had the opportunity to do so. she's never let me talk ever since i told her i was going back to australia, so it'd be really complicated to have a full conversation with her."  
"i am absolutely not defending her, but she might be too hurt to even be able to hold a conversation. if she doesn't want to talk to you, maybe you should find a new way to make her listen to you. have you ever thought of sending her a letter?" 

and just like that, they talked about it for hours. what felix realised that night was that chan definitely needed someone to talk with. chan was someone full of surprises, a very sensitive and kind person if you knew how to approach him. he was more than just the cocky and confident boy that he tried so hard to keep alive. 

\-------------------------- 

"i knew you'd hate mint choco. basic ass bitch," chan rolled his eyes. "let me guess. you believe it tastes like toothpaste, right?"  
"yeah, obviously? how disgusting!" felix screamed.   
it was almost 3am and they were trying their best not to be too loud.  
"i think we should go back to our dorms," felix added, feeling his heart race. he didn't want their secret moment to end.  
"not yet."  
"chan, do you know what time it-"  
"can i kiss you?" 

felix's heart wasn't racing now- it wasn't even beating anymore. he still managed to whisper a quiet "yeah," his eyes not leaving chan's lips. 

their kiss was slow. chan leaned down to claim felix's lips, and felix couldn't help but open up into the kiss, his tongue playing with chan's. their hands were intertwined and felix wasn't cold anymore. he had forgotten about the cold as soon as chan had wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in a warm embrace.  
the press of felix's lips against his was so warm. and for the first time in so long, chan felt at home. 

felix pulled back, trying to catch his breath. chan pressed another quick kiss to his lips and quietly laughed.  
felix knew he was as red as a tomato, but he hoped the night was too dark for chan to notice. 

his head was a mess. his heart was too. he was sure he'd never be able to recover from their kiss. 

but, who was felix if he wasn't the one ruining every perfect situation? 

"chan. can i ask you something?"  
"yeah. go ahead." both of them were talking as if nothing had happened at all.  
"do you, um. have sex with other people at school?"  
"uh, yeah? of course. why? is there any problem?"  
felix thought he was mad but chan's eyes were still soft, now questioning.  
"no, no. absolutely not. i was just wondering." 

and that was another lie. felix felt hurt and incredibly stupid, as he knew the answer but didn't expect the knot in his stomach to move to his throat. 

"i just, you know. i would rather know if the guy i'm fucking with goes around and fucks with a hundred other persons too," felix was doing an awful job at hiding his disappointment.  
"what's with the tone? so we're slutshaming now. nice." he knew chan was making fun of him but he still felt anxious.  
"no! no. absolutely not. good for you, good for you. you're getting dick- and pussy? because you can. i'd do that too if i, uh. was attractive enough?"   
felix was just incoherently rambling, trying not to seem hurt or anxious. 

"dick, i- only dick," chan replied. "and um, are you telling me that i'm the only one who gets to dick lee felix down? wow. what a lucky bastard."  
chan laughed and mindlessly kissed felix's cheek. he was fucking with his mind.  
"shut the fuck up, bang chan. i'm already embarrassed enough." 

"also, don't you dare say that you're not attractive. motherfucker looks like a living doll! a model. a celebrity. i'd suggest you dye your hair pink and bam... get ready to debut in a kpop band."  
"yeah, remind me who's talking. you and your curls will be the death of me, chan."  
chan's smile was to die for. felix was sure the world got a little brighter everytime chan smiled.  
felix's laugh was to die for. chan was sure the sun was jealous of him everytime felix laughed.

\------------------------ 

they left ten minutes later, stolen kisses and lingering gazes tugging them both together.  
needless to say felix fell asleep with a smile on his face that night.  
and chan finally got to sleep more than two hours for the first time in so long.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are so many things happening in this chapter??  
> anyways heres chaotic chanlix being confused as always, i can't believe it's almost the end of the story :")  
> u can expect a happy ending btw, no worries<3  
> thanks for reading! take care!

truth is that chan was scared. 

love had always been an abstract concept to him. he had never felt like he was worthy of love - because he didn't know what love is.  
he couldn't remember the last time he hugged or kissed his mom, he couldn't even think of anyone telling him i love you in a platonic way, let alone in a romantic way.  
he had never been able to prove who he was, prove what he was capable of- and as time passed by, he came to the realisation that he wasn't good at anything, especially when it came to such an unfamiliar feeling, love.  
because he was used to living in constant doubt and fear of not being enough to his mom and his siblings- which left him with scars he could never erase. 

chan was scared of letting anyone know that he had nothing to offer, except his wack ass humour and his skills in bed. and just like that- he had gotten himself trapped in a vicious circle a long time ago, as he believed these were the only things people could see in him. 

chan was scared.  
and that was the reason why he couldn't quite understand why felix hadn't stopped talking to him yet. there had been so many times where all they did was talk, laugh, and share personal stories.  
and not one time did felix make fun of him. felix never left in the middle of the conversation, realising that chan was an actual boring piece of shit only good at using his dick.  
that was also the reason why he couldn't stop finding new ways to bother felix- by annoying him, he got to talk to him, and that's how people usually flirt, right? 

chan genuinely didn't know what to do in this situation, because he could feel himself fall for him.  
he was smart enough to feel the excitement building up in his stomach every monday before spanish class, he could feel his eyes go soft whenever he had the boy on top of him, being extra careful while making love. he was fully aware of himself thinking about felix before going to sleep- wondering if what he felt was actually normal. 

chan was scared : everything was new to him, and he didn't want to suffer. 

\-------------------------- 

on wednesday, three days after their little unexpected rendez-vous, chan really wanted to see felix. the wait was unbearable- he was tired of having to wait until the next monday or friday to see him. which was unusual : he truly wanted to see felix, even when he wasn't horny.   
especially when he wasn't horny. 

as soon as he was done with his last class around 1PM, he quickly told changbin he'd go study in the library, not even caring about the fact that his friend obviously knew it was a lie. 

he was sure he'd find the boy he was looking for when he entered the huge place but all he could see was two students fighting over a book, and a woman trying to tell them they had to keep quiet or they'd have to go back to their rooms. 

disappointed, he thought about giving up but then remembered he had felix's number. he decided it was time to send him a message, the first ever since the party.   
he couldn't help but smile when he remembered felix had saved himself as "lixie<3 :)" in his phone. 

+00x xxx xxx 1:08PM  
hey wya 

lixie pixie<3 :) 1:09PM  
hi, who are you? 

+00x xxx xxx 1:09PM  
bang chan the one and only 

lixie pixie<3 :) 1:10PM  
oh hi it's funny im sitting on the bench where we talked last time :) hyunjin is playing basketball and i thought it'd be fun to watch him  
why? 

chan didn't reply and immediately started to walk towards the sport fields.  
the first person he spotted was felix, not sitting on the bench anymore but trying to learn how to dunk with hyunjin and another man he didn't know next to them.  
there were around ten other persons, some were fighting, some were playing basketball, the others were busy chatting. 

hyunjin seemed quite surprised to see him but still waved at him, obviously talking a bit too loud to make felix raise his head.  
"oh hi chan! fancy seeing you here."  
"hey hyunjin. hi felix, and hi...?"  
"jisung. hello there."  
chan recognized the man hyunjin was messing around with at the party. 

felix stayed quiet, but chan could feel his soul leaving his body when he greeted him the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.  
no one seemed bothered when chan started to play with them. nothing too serious ; all of them knew they were no NBA players and it just felt good, despite the cold, to focus on something else than classes and tests. 

for the whole time, chan and felix kept teasing each other. chan would make fun of him for the way he'd run and felix would make fun of him for the way he'd hold the ball.  
the situation was extremely funny to them- they both knew they were playing around but everyone else thought they were being serious, considering the fact that most students who shared spanish class with them knew they couldn't go a day without fighting each other. 

that was until chan messed everything up.  
after one hour, one of the guys, minho, suggested playing a last match before going back to class.  
when they started to create the teams, jisung didn't know who to pick between felix and one of his friends named jeongin. 

as he was hesitating, chan started to laugh before jokingly saying, "bold of you to assume felix knows how to do anything else than read a book... just let him be the ball boy."  
"i'm doing pretty great actually, thanks for your concern," felix replied.  
"i think there's a couple balls on the field that need to be picked up, why don't you get to it and let us play in peace?" 

felix was confused. he felt like he was back to the beginning of it all a few months ago, when his and chan's words were full of pure hate, without an ounce of compassion nor respect. 

he heard hyunjin getting mad at chan, telling him that 'felix is actually good at many things, you should definitely watch that filthy mouth of yours before i put my fist in it!!!' but he didn't say a word. 

felix wasn't offended, even though all of the boys around were laughing at him, and he didn't feel humiliated either, as these jokes had been going around for ages between them.  
but it didn't feel right, knowing that the person who was making fun of him was the boy he had held in his arms many times before. 

he also knew it was supposed to be an innocent joke, but he couldn't help it- he wished chan knew how to not cross the line anymore, especially in front of everyone. 

maybe his reaction was the confirmation he needed about his feelings for chan. 

felix didn't reply and jisung ended up choosing jeongin.   
he felt chan's gaze on him, probably waiting for him to look up and make eye contact with him, but he really didn't want to be the mood killer, as if he didn't know how to take a joke.  
so he smiled as hyunjin put his arms around him, telling that at least, they were in the same team. 

at the end of the game, felix really wanted to wait for hyunjin to go back to their room, disappointed because the game didn't go as he planned, but also because he knew chan would try to talk to him when he'd be done with the other guys.  
that was the problem with him having feelings for his... friend? sex-friend? person he had sex with? : he could never anticipate how chan was going to act towards him and felix didn't have time for this amount of stress. 

when he realised hyunjin was most likely going to talk with jisung for god knows how long, he thought it was better for him to go back to his room alone. 

\-------------------- 

chan knew he was to blame. he knew he'd eventually fuck up.  
he had never seen felix seem hurt before, let alone whenever they were making fun of each other- and he felt incredibly bad. he felt remorse and wished he knew how to deal with feelings a bit better. 

he knew what he did was wrong, especially since anyone could tell felix and him were getting closer as days were passing by.  
he was confused, because he didn't want to hurt felix, but he understood him at the same time. letting someone know your weaknesses and secrets usually means that you trust them...  
and chan really wanted felix to know he could trust him. 

he thought about the way he should approach the boy for a long time. he wanted to send him a text, but felt like it would not be enough ; he wanted to knock on his door, but felt like it'd be too much. 

as chan hated not knowing what to do, he did both. 

+00x xxx xxx 7:24PM  
felix can we talk? can i come? 

lixie pixie<3 :) 7:25PM  
too busy 

+00x xxx xxx 7:25PM  
please it won't take long 

lixie pixie<3 :) 7:26PM  
no thanks ill pass 

+00x xxx xxx 7:27PM  
ten minutes. nothing more 

after ten minutes, assuming felix wouldn't reply to his last text, chan decided to call him. fuck, he didn't even care- he could be clingy too, sometimes. 

he wasn't expecting felix to answer but the latter did pretty quickly. 

"chan," he sounded really irritated but he was not threatening at all, not even a bit, "you can't come here now. hyunjin is home and i don't want to explain anything to him."  
"fel-"  
"besides, i don't think you have anything to say to someone you hate. am i wrong?"  
"first of all, why are you whispering? is hyunjin already asleep?" chan laughed and felix had never wanted to punch him more than he did at the moment.  
"second of all," chan was now whispering too, "you sound sexy as fuck when you're angry."

felix was incredibly thankful that chan was not in the room right now- he was blushing like a teenager and he hated himself for that. 

"if you are not alone, or just don't want me to come, fine. but know that i am alone and that i really want you to come."  
and felix wanted to cry because he really didn't want to be nothing more than a sex f-  
"to talk," chan added. felix gasped ; it was as if chan could read through his mind. "i really want to. so let me know?" 

all felix did was hang up.  
and then get up, quietly leaving his room because he couldn't resist chan.  
he knew a conversation could help him understand many things, but before anything else, he was ready to do what he should've done a long time ago : tell chan about his feelings. 

just to make things clear and eventually admit that he couldn't play thie little game anymore as feelings were now involved.   
he was willing to lose it all if it could help him to avoid heartbreak. 

\------------ 

while waiting for the boy to come (or not. felix hadn't confirmed anything yet) chan felt extremely anxious.  
ridiculous, he thought. how old was he? 

it was okay, actually. all he needed was to tell felix he was sorry, and that- that, he, um.  
what did he want felix to come for? what was all of this about?  
he really wanted to think more but got interrupted by three almost inaudible knocks on his door. 

when he opened the door, felix didn't even look at him. he walked past him and quietly sat on the couch in the middle of the room.  
chan couldn't help but find him adorable. he was wearing an oversized hoodie, probably hyunjin's, and his hair was messy.   
unfortunately, he couldn't really tell him, right now wasn't the moment.   
or could he? 

"you look adorable, felix."  
at the sudden confession, felix laughed, but it sounded bitter.  
"yeah. how about we skip all of that, and you tell me what you wanted us to talk about?"  
"well...," chan scratched the back of his head, sitting next to him but not getting too close. "i feel like i shouldn't have crossed the line earlier, during the game. maybe what i said was a bit too much? or like, maybe you really wanted to be in jisung's team. anyways, that's not the topic, right? yeah."  
chan could hear himself stuttering and he felt so ashamed. but felix was actually having fun.  
and he would've lied if he said he didn't find chan cute at the moment.   
he mentally slapped himself, trying to focus on what was important.  
"so huh. i genuinely apologise. i'm sorry. and i want you to know you're a very good basketball player." 

"keep your filthy lies to yourself mr. bang."  
chan was finally looking at him.

"i'm not mad about what you said when we were playing. you've said worst things and i think you know that. it's always been like that between us- oh, wait, bingo. i think we've found the problem. i thought i was your comfort person," felix insisted on the words chan had used earlier, mimicking quotation marks with his fingers. "i just find it hard to handle, how as soon as we're surrounded by people, it's as if nothing had changed between us. as if we were the same persons we were to each other a few months ago." 

chan was confused. he lowered his head, deep in thought with his eyebrows furrowed. he didn't think felix was that affected by his actions- it was more than a simple sentence that hurt him.  
but it felt like felix was trying to tell him something else. something deeper. was he reading too much between the lines? 

why was did he feel so hopeful? 

"yeah. yeah, i see. i won't make any stupid joke anymore, i promise."  
felix sighed. chan was one of kind... and incredible stupid.  
"that's not what i'm saying, chan. i just wish we could... you could..."

do it, felix. tell him.  
he could feel his heart beating its way out of his chest.

"just be more careful, okay. not to be weird, but i love when we fight. everyone does, right? we spice everything up, haha. besides, i think my basketball skills are amazing. way better than yours."

coward. 

chan just laughed. he didn't quite understand it all,   
but something he was sure of was that he had felix in front of him. and that was enough for him to feel completed.  
felix was a bit lost. he was sure he'd be able to tell chan everything, at least for his sanity's sake.   
but it was too hard. too soon. he still had time, before his heart explodes and his feelings turn into a destructive machine.   
but he was too used to being a complete idiot whenever he was with chan ; all he wanted right now was to kiss him and tell himself that as long as he got to spend time with him, he'll be fine.

"i get it, captain. i'd like to apologize once more. that was very shitty of me but," chan said as he stood up to sit closer to felix, "i'm glad you didn't make it to jisung's team. should've seen the way he was looking at you during the whole game..."  
"chan! no, ew? you know hyunjin and him are almost dating right?" he slapped chan's arms who was now laughing a bit too loud.

chan saw the opportunity and took felix's hand in his.  
"i need you to do one thing for me to accept your apology."   
his eyes were getting softer, noticing chan had become all quiet and serious, questioning eyes looking at him. 

"kiss me." 

chan didn't wait a second before executing the order.  
he softly put felix's hand down and cupped his face instead, quickly licking his lips. the kiss started off slowly, as if they were discovering something new. as if they were both made of crystal. 

chan would occasionally kiss felix's neck, because damn he smelled so good and his skin was so soft- but  
their kiss was hot and innocent at the same time. they both knew that they didn't want to have more at the moment ; it was intimate enough for them to feel good. and appreciate the other's presence. 

and felix's lips moving against his, felix's hands playing with his curls, helped chan to figure so many things out.  
but most importantly, he realised he definitely was falling in love with the boy who was now on his lap. 

because he actually felt like a person when he was with felix.  
for the first time, he thought that maybe, he was more than just a lifeless soul trying to please people who'd never be satisfied with him.  
and he was so ready to give everything he had to felix, to make him feel as much as he made him feel.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first chanlix work, hope u'll enjoy <3  
> please leave comments to tell me what you think of the chapter!  
> english is not my first language so i apologize for any mistake.
> 
> take care~


End file.
